Did you know this about Black Friday?

TL;DR - We don't have any Black Friday discounts

 

By now, most people in the western hemisphere have already heard of Black Friday, which is mainly celebrated in the United States. However, few people know how this holiday originated and how it relates to Finland. 

In 1659, a man named Robinson Crusoe was shipwrecked on a desert island while on a shopping trip to Africa to find slaves for his plantation. While on the island, Crusoe rescued a young man brought to be sacrificed from the hands of pursuers and named him Friday. 

Over time, Robinson taught the young man his language, converted him to his religion and trained him to act as his loyal servant - just as good friends do.

Friday became Crusoe's trusted companion, with whom they adventured around the world, until Friday was killed by arrows fired by very mean bandits in 1694. Devastated by the loss of his loyal servant, Crusoe decided that from then on, every year, the Friday after the fourth Thursday in November would be Black Friday. This is because the Friday (the person) was black, and Robinson Crusoe was very much racist.

 Robinson Crusoe and Friday
Robinson Crusoe and Friday, original photo from 1659.

Having found Friday on a trading trip to Africa, Crusoe wanted to honour his friend's memory by selling fake beads, toys, knives, scissors, broken glass, axes and, above all, slaves at a reduced price on that particular memorial day. Of course, just before the black Friday, Mr Crusoe increased his normal prices, so the discounts would look better. This is a Black Friday tradition that is honoured to this day. 

The journalist Daniel Defoe had documented Robinson Crusoe and Friday's adventures in great detail, which is why, in just a few hundred years later, Black Friday suddenly became an internationally recognised holiday everywhere except in the Communist Soviet Union and its sphere of influence, in other words - in Finland.

Immediately after the Second World War, the United States tried to spread the message of Black Friday by distributing more than $13 billion in shopping money (over $135 billion in today's money) to Europeans under the name of Marshall Aid. Almost all the other European countries were happy to accept the aid, except for tiny Finland, which feared the wrath of its eastern neighbour.

Although the majority of our country's political and cultural elite opposed (and still opposes) cheap shopping, Finland had its own rebellious minority, which, in defiance of the Soviet power, tried to bring Black Friday to Finland.

Certainly, the most prominent rebel was our long-serving President Urho Kekkonen, a great fan of Robinson Crusoe. According to the story, Kekkonen named his summer cottage Kultaranta (Gold Shore) after Africa's Gold Coast, because that's where Crusoe used to go to buy slaves.

 Urho kekkonen intiaanina
Urho Kekkonen, the eternal President of Finland posing as Friday on Black Friday, In the USA.

Since there were no pictures in Daniel Defoe's book and Kekkonen had not been to Africa much, he thought that Friday was a native of North America and often wore an Indian headdress. In reality, Friday was found on a South American island and was probably Mexican and wore a sombrero. This is also where Robinson Crusoe’s racism can be seen. While he called Friday black, the correct term for native South American would of course be Hispanic.

The first attempt to introduce Black Friday, originally invented in the early 1700s, was made already in 1950 by then Prime Minister Kekkonen, but the Soviet Union thwarted the attempt by supporting a strike by locomotive engineers through the worker’s union to prevent freight traffic in Finland from running smoothly. Kekkonen ordered the engineers to go to do extra military service and the strike was called off, but the damage had already been done and manufacturers were no longer capable to import Western consumer goods.

A similar situation happened in 2021, when Valco tried to import headphones in China and the forces against Black Friday caused a pandemic, a ship to be stuck in the Suez channel and eventually a Tsunami in Hong Kong. The global elite tries to stop us but we fight back.

Elsewhere in the post-war Finland, a brave minority was also quietly campaigning for Black Friday. Artists Esa Pakarinen and Masa Niemi painted their faces black in a 1960 film and portrayed black Americans.

 Esa Pakarinen blackface
Esa Pakarinen and Masa Niemi campaigning for Black Friday wearing a traditional Black Friday mask. This image is censored because today it is racist and we don't like or support racism.

They took a great risk in doing so, because at that time all references to the United States were forbidden and, for example, in Finland they tried to ban Donald Duck for being too capitalist. It was this outspoken stand for Black Friday that led to the subsequent and suspicious deaths of both Pakarinen and Niemi.

Today, Pakarinen and Niemi's stand in favour of Black Friday would also be quite incorrect, but for slightly different reasons than 60 years ago. Today, knowledge of the origins of Black Friday is obscure, which is why Pakarinen and Niemi could be misinterpreted as misrepresenting a dark-skinned person in a humorous context. This is wrong, of course, but so is racism and there is nothing funny about it.

Encouraged by Pakarinen and Niemi, Kekkonen travelled to the United States in October 1961 to negotiate the introduction of Black Friday in Finland, but this quickly led to the so-called Note Crisis. That is, the Soviet Union, worried about the spread of capitalism, gave us a note that any attempt to bring Black Friday to Finland must stop immediately or Finland will be nuked.

Because US President John F. Kennedy was actively promoting Black Friday in Finland, he was assassinated by KGB agents in November 1963 as part of a conspiracy orchestrated by the Finnish Social Democrats and Nicolae Ceaușescu. Rumour had it that the first Black Friday in Finland was to take place that same year and Kennedy had promised to bring cheap Japanese consumer goods to Finland on NATO transport planes. At that time Japan was China and all cheap electronics were made in Japan. Today, China is China and Japan makes mostly cartoon pornography.

 Kekkonen and Kennedy
Left: Finland's god-emperor Kekkonen plotting with Kennedy. Right: Kennedy is assasinated.

Because of the Note Crisis and the Kennedy assassination, no further attempts were made to import Black Friday into Finland until Kekkonen ventured back to the United States in the summer of 1970. Negotiations were well under way before the Communists struck again. This time the much loved and great president Richard Nixon was framed for involvement in the espionage scandal and had to resign. At least the KGB spared his life this time.

The last attempt to introduce Black Friday during the Cold War was made by the internationally connected and linguistically skilled Foreign Minister Ahti Karjalainen in 1975, but unfortunately the then government of Finland led by Kalevi Sorsa resigned in the spring of 1975 after the Centre Party's parliamentary group declared that cheap shopping was against the legacy of their founder and demigod Santeri Alkio.

Later in his memoirs, Ahti Karjalainen justified his resignation from the 1979 elections mainly by frustration that, despite his repeated attempts, Black Friday could not be brought to Finland.

 Kekkonen Soviet
God-Emperor Kekkonen (right) telling Soviet leaders (Leonid Brezhnev (left.), Kliment Voroshilov and Nikita Hrushtshev) to go f*ck themselves and to stop blocking black friday. Soon after this bold move Kekkonen too was dead. Or actually his body was liberated from the chains of mortal world. He is still ruling over Finland.

One of the main reasons for the original Valco - along with corruption - was that the Social Democrats wanted to prevent Black Friday from coming to Finland. This was done by producing poor and expensive electronics in Finland so that people would not buy cheap and good foreign electronics.

After the fall of the Soviet Union in the early 1990s, it finally seemed possible that Black Friday could be brought to Finland. A cunning plot was hatched - to fool the communists, Finland would join the European Union and Black Friday would be imported through it under EU Commission Decision No 2257/94.

The genius of the plot lay in the fact that the so-called Euro-socialists who were pushing for the European Union could not even imagine that an international system of regulation and bureaucracy could be accompanied by a hint of a free market economy. Rumour has it that Paavo Väyrynen himself was behind the plot, which is probably easy to believe - after all, Paavo is the most legendary politician ever in Finland.

Everyone knows the rest, because by now grown-up people have been born and remember things.

Martti Ahtisaari, who supported the European Union, was elected President in 1994. He had represented the Social Democrats for decades, although he was really a reptilian planted by the Illuminati. Finland's left-wing elite, in their EU frenzy, did not realise that Black Friday would come as a giveaway from the Union. Finland joined the European Union in 1995 and Black Friday followed right after that in 2016 after Donald Trump was elected the president of the United States.

Of course, the fight is not over yet. Anti-Black-Friday league is still going strong. For example, while United States managed to elect Donald Trump as president, and with his godly presidency Finland managed to Finally have Black Friday, the international league managed to discredit him in the media and replaced him after a stolen election.

Because the anti-black-Friday league is threatening the lives of our families and pets, we at Valco decided that there will be no Black Friday discounts at all. Once again, you have to buy VMK20 headphones for full price.